Tag Archives: Midnight Silence

A last farewell…

Your time on earth is over and what’s left is the rest of us – and a void the size of the Grand Canyon. Those who got to know you, who now miss you, have to find a way to cope without you. You touched so many people and changed so many lives, including mine.

We talked a lot through the years, about everything. Your youthful, honest, kind, loving spirit was in every exchange. You gladly shared your sprightly personality, your hilarious jokes, the amazing stories from your eventful life. You enriched my days. Every time my phone beeped, I hoped it was a message from you. I grew fonder and fonder of you by the day.

When we finally met, you gave me six wonderful days with you. On the first day you took my hand, looked into my eyes and said, “I’ve been looking forward to this moment for so long, I can hardly believe you’re actually here. You’re even more beautiful than I had imagined.”

Over the next few days we laughed and cried, we talked and embraced – and exchanged the words we’d both wanted to say to each other for a long time. Then you sang to me, three times. Your voice was rugged, the words were sincere and your heart and love was in every phrase. I tried not to cry, as I sat on my knees in front of you while you held your hands on my cheeks and crooned softly as you looked into my eyes.

Thanks to you, I had six perfect days that I’ll remember for the rest of my life.

Then I had to leave and you slowly got worse – but we managed to stay in touch and exchange sweet messages of love every now and then. We talked a little on the phone on a few occasions, reminded each other of the words we’d exchanged in person and talked about what we’d do when we next met – although we both knew that’d never happen.

When you took your final breath, we had nothing left unsaid. It was still a shock, although it was expected. I’m hurting now for purely selfish reasons – because I’ll never get to spend another day with you, I’ll never get to hear you say “I love you, sweetheart” again and I’ll never get to hold you in my arms again…

But you were ready.

You were fine about leaving your earthly existence, because you’d lived “the perfect life” and because you knew you’d end up in a good place, based on the life you’d been living and the way you’d treated people. I know you wouldn’t have wanted any of us to be sad, you would have wanted us all to follow our dreams, to never settle for less and to celebrate a life well lived.

I’ll love you and keep you in my heart forever, for all that you were to me. Knowing you made me a better person. You reminded me that not realising my full potential is not an option. That it’s up to me to do what it takes to live the life that I want and deserve – just like you did. I’ll never meet anyone else like you, but at least I got to meet you.

I’ll treasure that for the rest of my life. Thank you. For everything.

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140 Words #9

“Nick…” she whispered and put both hands on my cheeks. I stood dumbstruck wondering if I should touch her, but didn’t have much time to do anything before she leaned in and planted a soft kiss on my mouth. I’m pretty sure my heart stopped for the seconds it lasted. “That was beautiful,” she finally added after a long silence of looking at each other. She took a step back, smiled, turned around and disappeared through the door.

‘Thank you…’ I muttered to myself, long after she had vanished and would be unable to hear me. I allowed my knees to bend so I could slide down along the side of the worktop and onto the floor. I was overcome with emotion, unable to prevent a single tear from running down my cheek as I registered an unfamiliar feeling: happiness.

140 Words #8

‘You’re a rotten bastard, you know that?’

‘Don’t you judge me! You’ll learn to love the lifestyle I’ve created for you. You’ve got enough money to last two lifetimes and you’ve done nothing with it. I’m simply helping you to live life while you still can. And if you’re wondering about your new posture, it’s down to a little prop that I’ve acquired for you. Go to the front door.’

I backed out of the cramped room and headed to the entrance. Next to it was a cane and a black cape with bright red lining that was long enough to nearly drag along the floor when I tried it.

‘So you’re telling me I’m walking around looking like a cross between Dracula and Jack the Ripper? No wonder she wasn’t sure if she wanted to come home with me.’

140 Words #7

My train of thought was interrupted as he came through the door with a bag of sandwiches that he threw onto the bed before me, like an animal that had gone hunting for food and proudly returned with its prey.

‘So… what’s going to happen now?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I do one more show here and then I’m on the road for the next foreseeable future. So what I mean is…’ he paused and smiled to himself before sitting down on the bed next to me, breaking into Sinatra-like crooning, ‘What now, my love?’

‘What do you want?’ I asked, throwing the ball back in his court. As he took a breath to answer, there was a knock on the door, leaving the question hanging in thin air, cluttering up the room – making it appear small and dense.

140 Words #6

I spun around on the pebbles and rode off as fast as I could, hoping I’d escape him – and yet hoping he’d catch me up.

At the first set of traffic lights I saw his car coming up behind me. As he pulled up next to me, the lights immediately switched to green and I was off before he could react. After repeating this cycle another ten times I turned into a car park, killed the engine and removed my helmet.

‘Come on, jump in so we can talk and I’ll drive you back here afterwards,’ he pleaded.

Talk? Yeah, right.

I didn’t have it in me to object any longer, got off the bike and quietly got into his Aston Martin DB9. The silence grew louder and louder between us, only drowned out by the noise from the engine.

140 Words #5

His hands held firmly onto my hips, pulling me against him, the friction increasing rapidly with each urgent thrust.

Then suddenly, he stopped. I held my breath, hoping it wasn’t over.

He moved me from the chair and sat down on it himself before guiding me onto his lap, facing away from him. The dance began again with a renewed vibrancy. I arched my back against him, reaching for the back of his head as I felt the climax approaching. I could hardly breathe as a violent wave of shivers hit me with the energy of a runaway train, leaving me unable to keep my legs on the floor. Moments before my own orgasm was over, he joined me.

His grip around my waist loosened and I rolled down his arm, hitting the floor with a gasping sigh of relief

The End?

To my surprise he was on time and actually waiting for me.

‘Thanks for coming,’ he said and lingered before me, trying to suss out whether I was going to agree to a hug or not. As I didn’t volunteer to step close to him, he seemed happy to leave it. ‘Let’s go to my place.’

For him, the 1-bedroom flat was rather modest, but for being in the middle of Covent Garden is was quite sizeable. He showed me into the sitting room and parked on the couch, waiting for me to sit down.

I felt angry, mainly with myself, for allowing his presence to toy with my emotions once more – especially as it was officially over and had been for some time. For a moment I wanted to just run out of there, but before I could make up my mind he pulled me down onto his lap, facing him, and put his strong arms around me, willing me to do the same. I followed his orders, as usual, and for a moment it was as though my hurt was on pause and it was old times again.

‘I’m so sorry for confusing you and for hurting you. For all this…’ he said, the velvet in his voice caressing my wounded soul with the words I had given up on hearing from him. I nodded, indicating I was listening. ‘I’ve just been trying to figure out what I want in life…’

A silence built up between us as he rested his chin on my head, allowing me to put my mouth and nose against the crook of his neck, inhaling the scent of his skin.

‘I’ve appeared angry at times because I’ve been frustrated…’ I eventually offered.

‘You don’t need to explain, I understand. I do,’ he whispered and sighed, simultaneously tightening the grip around my back, like he didn’t want to let go.

I considered standing up and gracefully bowing out, leaving it like that, but I felt unable to move. He was like a drug I’d spent a long time trying to quit but could just never resist when it was in front of me.

‘Ideally I’d have you naked right now,’ he sighed a minute or so later, making me wish that I in fact had followed my instinct and walked out before – at the same time making me glad I hadn’t. ‘You bring out sides of me that others just… don’t.’

‘You know what you do to me…’ I muttered and didn’t move, although I knew I should have.

He laughed sweetly, once more tightening his grip around me, allowing one of his hands to travel up and down my back. I pulled back slightly so I could look at him as I stroked his face and neck, his mouth lingering just over mine. I could feel his heart beating hard in his chest. ‘You’re not going to make this easy, are you?’

I shook my head. To me, it was a bizarrely satisfying moment of knowing he wanted me as much as he ever did, if not more. I knew I could have him, even though I shouldn’t. I wanted him to seduce him and make him give in to his desires, especially as he shouldn’t succumb to me. I wanted to take him from her, if only for a moment.

‘What is it you want?’ he asked and I noticed that the touch of velvet was back in the middle of his voice.

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ I asked, my expression strong and clear.

He nodded. ‘You know how I like it when you’re vocal about what you want.’

‘I want you,’ I whispered as I looked straight into his eyes. ‘Now.’

‘Could we end it on a positive note, like this?’ he asked but didn’t wait for an answer, just moved his hands from my back and up to my cheeks, pulling my face up to his and meeting my mouth in a kiss that reflected the raw passion we had for each other, one that didn’t seem to vanish – in spite of our best efforts to stay away from one another.

We couldn’t reach the bedroom fast enough, only stopping off in the hall to share another kiss. A simple touch of his lips made my crotch pulsate with noble passion.

I pulled him with me into the bedroom and let gave in to the urge once more.

Just. Once. More.

As I finally rolled off him about an hour or so later, the afterglow of my orgasm left me wanting to say things to him, things I knew would be better left unsaid. He embraced my back and offered another kiss. He stoked my back, kissed me once more, let his fingers play with my hair, as we both enjoyed the silence and the afterglow.

‘…definitely on a good note…’ he finally uttered and I could feel my heart go cold, to be reminded so abruptly that it was indeed “the final time”. ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ he added quickly. ‘Don’t dwell.’

As the spell was already broken, I got up and followed the trail of my clothes into the hall. I put them on in silence, avoiding eye contact with him but all the time weary that he was standing there next to me, waiting for me to finish. I finally stood up before him and rested my head on his chest.

‘Please don’t dwell,’ he said again. ‘I do it too. Don’t…’ he whispered, before squeezing my shaking body against him. I took a step back and lingered before him, once again trying to overcome the strong desire to just… say it. To say the words I never felt the urge to say to anyone. I met his eyes and took a deep breath. He knew me well enough to know what was coming. ‘Please don’t…’ he pleaded quietly.

Overcome with sadness I waved the urge goodbye, stood on my toes and let my mouth barely touch his lips for a moment, followed by a deep, slow breath that gave me the necessary strength to step away and out the door.

For good.

Excerpt from my novel, “A Masochism Tango” (2012-)